.jpg)
As I mentioned a many time before, I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. Even when I was at my fittest and was running full and half marathons, the scales were up and down. I would look at other people and think, why couldn't I look like them -- be a normal size. I am five foot 1, so the weight is more visible since the only way is to expand vertically. I was at a healthy weight five years ago and could fit into sizes that I never dreamed of fitting in. I was in the gym for 3 hours a day/ 5 times a week. I also ate according to the weight watcher plan. The pounds went off. But there was another crucial factor. I had quit my corporate job to switch into teaching. Came back from Japan and finished teacher's college. That summer, I was not employed. I had a lot of time on my hands, still had some money in the bank, and I was stress free. The moment I took on a job for teaching, five years later, I am now at the heaviest weight I have ever been in my entire life. And the battle continues. Some days I win. Other days, I lose. So I have to stop and ask myself, what happened? How did I let circumstances lead to this?
The funny thing is that it wasn't until I got to this point that I realized that the body reflects our quality of life. My life for the past five years has been riddled with employment uncertainty, stressful class management, and a work-life balance that has gone out of whack. I had to move in back with my parents because I couldn't afford rent. My father had passed away three years ago and my mother can not stay home alone at night because she gets anxiety attacks. I have been helping her, but it has been uphill battle with drawing those much needed boundaries and being a good daughter. I still struggle with this at times. The money is tight. I haven't been able to travel and move freely as I use to. Sometimes I find myself in a very dark place.
So what does this have to do with binging and food addiction? It has to do with when I use food to calm myself and to break away from what I am doing or feeling. When I mean food, I don't mean real food. I am talking about sugary treats. From the current research ( and I can't quote where at this point, look it up), refined and processed sugar is an addictive substance that hits the same opiate receptors in the brain as the ones blamed for drug and alcohol addictions. We have it, it makes us feel good, and then there is a crash (we feel like crap and guilty). It sounds like a hopeless situation, doesn't it? And it is no wonder why so many people struggle with their weight. However, with everything, there is still an element of choice. Even when the craving for sugar is overpowering.
I had an epiphany on this the other day. I realize that the reason why I give in at times to those cravings is that it is a form of reward. It is a form of twisted self love. When I went on diets in the past, the opposite happens which is self hate. I find myself creating extensive lines of logic as to why I should give in. I had a hard day. I can start again tomorrow. I am feeling anxious. I am feeling angry. I am feeling stressed. I have to get this task done and I feel I am not up to it. Or I am so excited and happy that I might as well celebrate this feeling with something that I love. Or that I am out with friends and I should eat what they eat in order to belong. Sounds familiar? Notice the whys. When you are aware of the why then you realize that what you are doing is not in line with your goal for a healthy body weight (I mean your healthy body weight not the magazines!).
Here is where the choice comes in. Turn it around. Instead of deliberating over the whys for giving in to the cravings, look at the whys for having a healthy body weight. Not an easy thing, I know when the "want" for the fix sets in. The wonderful thing about our brains is that it can create new neural pathways (neuro-plasticity) and let the old ones fall away (binge habit). It can be done, but you have to decide which is stronger: your temporary sugar fix or a healthy body just leaping into life with new energy and possibilities? I am going to aim for the latter every day from now on. Are you with me?
Helga
